Friday, September 12, 2008

Mantel-scaping: A Glossary


Decorating a mantel can be a challenge. So I developed a helpful glossary to explain the various ins and outs of "mantel-scaping."

MANTEL PAUSE -- A mantel in a middle-aged house; the mantle can experience mood changes and hot flashes.

DOCUMANTEL -- Decorating a mantel with books.

ADJUSTMANTEL--An adjustment to a mantelscape. It can be tiny--moving an accessory one eighth of an inch--or it can involve major tinkering.

ALIMANTEL -- Decorating a mantel with food.

DETRI-MANTEL -- A mantelscape that is so horrid, so detrimental to your overall design scheme that you want to cry, brick up the fireplace, or move.
DETRI-MANTEL can also be used as a condition to describe plasma TVs over a fireplace.


ENVIRONMANTEL -- Decorating a mantel with "green" or recycled items.

EXPERIMANTEL -- The act of adding and subtracting various accessories. This can also describe the use of unusual or outlandish objects on a mantel.

FRAGIMANTEL -- Decorating a mantel with breakable knicknacks.

FUNDAMANTEL -- the "411 Basics" of mantelscaping, which include visual balance and an uneven number of accessories.

FRAGMANTEL - A mantel that's decorated on one end.

INSTRUMANTEL -- Decorating a mantel with musical instruments.

INSURMANTEL-ABLE -- A mantel that cannot--and will not--be decorated.

MANTEL ABUSE -- Rearranging accessories on a mantel more than 500 times a day.

MANTEL BREAKDOWN -- a condition that arises after many hours of rearranging accessories (see MANTEL ABUSE)to no avail. Nothing looks right. Shopping trips end in failure. Extreme frustration results. The mantel is stripped bare.


MANTEL CONCEPT-- See MANTEL IMAGERY.

MANTEL ILLNESS -- Occurs when mantelscapes are not touched for years. The accumulation of dust results in a condition that can cause sneezing and hives. It can be reversed by tearing down the old mantelscape and replacing it with a new one. By using MANTEL-IMAGERY, one can save time and money before going shopping.

MANTEL IMAGERY -- Imagining how your mantel will look with objects that are not sold in stores. These accessories might not exist--but if they did, your mantel would be perfect.

MICROMANTEL-ING -- When ADJUSTMANTELING is taken to an extreme. It can also refer to a mantel that features minature accessories.

MON-U-MANTEL -- A mantel that is so hard-to-decorate, it turns into a monumental task. Also, this can refer to an over-sized mantel.

NON-JUDGMANTEL -- The wisest approach for family members when the decorator of the mantel (spouse, friend, mother) asks for opinions on the latest mantelscape. (Similar to a situation involving Itty Bitty Lies--this occurs when you ask your spouse if an outfit makes you look fat.)

ORNAMANTEL-- A highly decorated mantel.

PREDICT-A-MANTEL -- A Predictable way to decorate a mantel. Associated with an extreme case of NOAH'S ARK SYNDROME.

REGIMANTEL -- The process of putting the mantel into order. Organizing a mantel. Also, the type of decor preferred by Generals.

RUDIMANTEL-- This word has two mantel-meanings. It can refer to basic mantelscaping. It can also refer to an incompletely decorated mantel.

UN-ORNAMANTEL -- a Zen mantel.

SENTIMANTEL -- a type of mantel decor that appeals to the heart, if not always the "eye."

TEMPERMANTLE -- A moody mantle, prone to outbursts.

Contributed by Carol Edwards:
MICKEY MANTEL -- A type of mantelscaping that is associated with a Disney obsession and features Mickey Mouse whatnots. It can also refer to a baseball themed mantel.

Contributed by Susan/Moonlight and Magnolias:
GOVERNMANTELING - Furnishing a mantel with priceless artifacts, causing the IRS to freeze your bank account, conduct an audit, and/or visit your house in person.

Example of DETRI-MANTEL, DOCUMANTEL, and MANTEL BREAKDOWN:

65 comments:

  1. Gollum, You crack me up! I do believe that you forgot Mickey Mantle. That would be decorating a mantle with paraphenalia one feels the need to purchase when visiting Disney World. Happy weekend to you! Carol

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  2. Awesome writing, Gollum! Love your blog and read it daily. :-)

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  3. Mantalism - When Gollum magically transforms a mantle and the audience (us) gasps in wonder.

    ROFL... brilliant Gollum just brilliant!!!. Have a wonderful weekend. Kathy

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  4. Ha! Love it! I'm not a big fan of the t.v. above the mantle, either. There sure are a lot of ways to wreck a mantle!
    How about a Govermantel...a mantel decorated with objects so expensive, the IRS will soon pay you a visit to audit your most recent tax return. :-)

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  5. Susan and Carol--I've added your wonderful and witty mantleisms.
    :-)

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  6. Hi Gollum,
    I finally got on your site. Just disregard the email I sent you!

    Your mantel isms are cute! Thanks for posting.
    Diane

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  7. I suffer from I-want-a-mantle so badly that I need to Wreck-a-facade-to-create-a-mantle! The fireplace is soooo ugly that I want to demolish the facade & have a new fireplace with a beautiful mantle built in it's place. Think I'm winning that argument? NOPE! :0{ Diane

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  8. Good going, GG!!! ~~~ Appreciate the wonderful wit tonight, but of course, NOW I'll have trouble sleeping, trying to think of yet ANOTHER one for you to add to your "collection"!!! You can be SOOO funny!!! Thanks ~ as always ~ for the chuckles!!! Warmly, Linda

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  9. Well DG, Here is one... I have come to embrace the 'nomantleatall syndrome'. After suffering from all above afflictions for all of my life in every house I have lived, I am now free to not have to think about decorating a spot above an entity that I do not like to use. Beauty(notwithstanding),is not the issue. I think a fire- place offers the ultimate in ambience, and have embraced it many a time. I enjoy it every other person's home, truly!
    Instead, I have taken down three walls in my home and once again have my own special 'lackofwallspacesyndrome' and that decor dilemna. So there is my two cents worth. You have great wit, Gollum. Such a daily delight...Hugs.

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  10. Ooooo! I'm late this morning! Sorry Gollum! This is a fantastic post! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it, and I'm still chuckling!

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  11. Hahaha, what about "dismantel". As in, what my mom does - refuses to put anythign at all on hers.

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  12. I just adore your sense of humor. Also, was the reference to Yorkie Manor because of Merkat Manor?

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  13. Ah, so I'm not the only mantle obsessed person in the world! I thought that I finally got it right, but now I want to use the current painting elsewhere, so here we go again! I'll be "dismantling" the mantle this coming week and then will be starting again!!! (Luckily the local framer that we use has specials running next week!)

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  14. Gollum ... your mind works in wondrous ways! Oh how I love your dry wit! Suesue

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  15. hahahaaaa My funny of the day!!!

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  16. hahahahaha! you crack me up! a bright spot compared to the texas storm news or the l.a. trainwreck. but really, why is it so hard to do just right? jkj

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  17. I think that mantle illness is the only one I have not experienced!

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  18. Too funny, Your mind is amazing. I love the way you write and decorate. It is always a great adventure on your blog. Speaking of mantles, I am about to decorate mine with it fall/winter look. Now what would Gollum call that???Smiles, Kathysue[RMS]

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  19. This was great!! I am doubled over with laughter- what a great start for the weekend!!lol!!!!
    thanks, Christy

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  20. I got really excited when I saw that you were going to give me a lesson in decorating my mantel then I started reading this....too funny! I have a mon-u-mantel, just cant seem to get it right. Thanks for the laugh today. ~Cindy~

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  21. I guess I have to be counted in as SENTIMANTLE, and proud of it. ;)

    Another great post.

    'D'

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  22. I guess we are all just looking for that ultimate "Mantlepeace" an overwhelming feeling one get's from standing back, looking at what they have created and saying "It's perfect, it's done". Kathy.

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  23. Brillant and clever posting! Love your style and humor ... always a bright spot in my day!

    Thanks -- another one here who is constantly tinkering and playing with things on the mantel .....

    Jan at Rosemary Cottage

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  24. Oh dear Gollum~~~ I suffer from several of these "mantleisms....I am always thinking maybe it doesn't look right??? Then I rearrange, then put it all back~~~~ I am hysterical reading your wonderful post. Thanks so much for the vocabulary education today! I just got finished undecorating my kitchen and then cleaning it then putting up all my Fall decorations. I hope I get to post it on RMS in a day or 2!!!! It will be my first post...I am nervous! Hugs, Pinky

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  25. LOL! I definitely have mantle illness caused by a LACK of mantle imagery. I think I need to visit a mantle therapist or attend some MIA meetings. :-)
    Tomarie

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  26. Oh this is soooo funny!! I love all your mantleisms! When we first moved in this house I had mantle imagery. Yes I could picture what I wanted but no it did not exist! Now I have predictamantle. 2 Vases with sticks 2 ceramic dogs, oil painting,and clock ( Noah's ark syndrome)I think alot of us have that, He He! I fear I will now have mantle illness because it's been that way for a while and I have no plans to change. (I also have alergies) I need to attend MIA meetings too! Great blog today! Kristen

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  27. LOL! Loved this. In trying to classify my own, I'd have to say it might be called minimantle. Only 3 items. Buddha, orchid & candle...*yawn*...ha ha.

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  28. LoL... I don't think I'll look at another mantle in the same way ever again..and when I do, I'll always think of you Gollum and your mantleism glossary..
    hugs ~lynne~

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  29. Loved your f/p Mantle Glossary! Very creative and witty. For my personal list, I would be tempted to add: Technimantle Illness - A condition where one has the urge to mount technical equipment in close proximity of a f/p mantle.

    With the exception of convenience, I just have difficultly in grasping the concept as to why people do it...smiles. I find it perplexing enough to decorate the da*n things without having to work around such obstacles?

    With no intention to offend those who are more talented than myself and achieved success in doing so.

    Thanks for the chuckle Gollum.

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  30. Oh my gosh, what a hoot you are!!That is just priceless!! You made my day, I have to remember some of these....

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  31. How about Dismantle, that is just what I did yesterday. It was uncanny that you posted this great post about the word mantle. I tore down the spring/summer look for the fall/winter look. I have it posted on RMS, in my family room space. I will post the Fall look later on. I love to change things seasonally, I like to shake things up a little. I can't wait to see your changes. Have you decided on the basement wall color, isn't Tom coming soon??? Kathysue[rms]

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  32. LOL!!! Well I can feel my mantle health improving just from reading this G!! And I have a whole different meaning for dis-mantle. It's where you hurl insults and epithets at the awful looking mess you have created with your mantlescape! *winks* Loved this G!! Vanna

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  33. Hi Gollum,
    I've tagged you for a little game. Please visit my blog for the details.
    Susan

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  34. great post! Love to laugh better than just about anything. thanks
    vickydarnell

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  35. I hope all is well with you and yours....hugs ~lynne~

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  36. Absolutely a magnificent posting, dear one. Your wit is just as awesome as your decorating.
    The one I REALLY don't care for is the tv over the mantle...have yet to see one that looks right.
    Thanks for your funny writings...just made my morning!
    Oh, and I saw where you said you use faux greenery in the right places. So glad to hear that because I do, too. I tend to run thru my house and change whatever someone said they didn't like but, not ALL my greens!
    love, bj

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  37. BJ, I should do a "head count" of my silks. I love them and will always use them. And they don't have to cost the moon. I have some of the most beautiful PLASTIC and silk orchids--yes, plastic--and they look real until you're right next to them, and still, they're pretty. I bought them at a $1 store for $15 each. (I bought a huge white ceramic rooster there, too, for a song.)

    So I say phooey to those lists that say No Faux.

    I have been under the weather.. I have a sore throat and fever--I should be back posting again when I'm feeling better.

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  38. Gollum, I was worried about you! Just checked back here and found out that you aren't feeling well. Take care, Sweetie. Drink lots of liquids and do what Mr Gollum recommends. Get lots of rest and let the world just happen around you. Too often we think that if we don't participate life won't go on. Trust me. It does!

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  39. Just wanted to stop by and tell you thank you for all of your prayers for us and all the nice comments you made on my blog. Yeah - Ike is gone! Now we just have to clean up after him!

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  40. G I hope you feel better soon! Take it easy as long as you need to. Chicken soup. tea, and a good book are great therapy. Vanna

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  41. It never fails when September rolls around. I believe it's the change of season sickness, or with some the back to school illness.
    Please take care, drink plenty of liquids and get as much rest as you can.

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  42. So much to catch up on .. I'm out of town far away from Central Oregon right now. Gollum, I hope you are feeling well soon. I so enjoyed reading your mantlescape blog to my sister. She, too, thinks you are quite clever.

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  43. I've been going thru "Gollum Withdrawal" and wondering~~~ then went on to WORRYING~~~ about you. Just talked w/ Carol & she told me you were under the weather, so NOW I'm just feeling BADLY for you! Wish I could bring you some chicken soup (alas, "store-bought", tho, as I want you to get BETTER, n-o-t SICKER!!! BUT, I ALWAYS wrap up the can beautifully & include fresh flowers!!! Grins!). Take it VERY EASY n' let MR. GOLLUM & son take care of YOU for once, ok??? Sending you get-well-butterflies!!! ~~~ Your pal, Linda

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  44. Well, I kept coming back today to your blog waiting for your next "installment" and wondered if something had happened. Never occurred to me to check this previous comment section which is why I now know you're sick! I'm so sorry Gollum that you're feeling bad. Here's wishing you plenty of good rest and a speedy recovery! Suesue

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  45. i hope all that thinking up all the definitions wasn't instru-mantle in making you ill! get well soon! jkj

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  46. You are too funny! Enjoyed this post and pictures!

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  47. I'm glad to know you use silks. They add life to a home as long as they're not over done.(My real plants die) I've been a silk designer for 15 years until the shop recently closed. I always tried to pick out good quality flowers, berries sticks etc. at market. I'm in Arkansas and the natural look is just coming in (at least in my area). I used to do big arrangements now it's simple orchids or the acrylic water. I'm fixing to start something online, I also make door wreaths and other crafts. I just don't want to go to work for someone else right now. Hope you feel better soon! Kristen

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  48. I've been going thru Gollum withdrawal also!!!!!! Sorry Gollum that you're feeling bad. Take care of yourself and try to rest....Pat H aka 9405018

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  49. You're the first thing I check each morning. I really had begun to worry...thank goodness I opened up the comments. I hate to hear you're feeling poorly. Take care of yourself~we'll be thinking of you!
    Tomarie

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  50. I'm so sorry to hear you aren't feeling well.. that stuff is sure going around our area. I had the grandson yesterday for the same thing... hope you're up and around soon...hugs ~lynne~

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  51. I'm doing my daily Pop In. Hope today finds you feeling much more Gollumy. I think it's time for your "chef son" to make his mama some chicken soup. Just feel better okay? Miss you lots! Carol

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  52. Wait a sec... did you really make all those up?!?! Pretty funny.

    And how did you know I'm having mantle issues? Mine needs so much help. I should take a pic and blog it and you come tell me all the things wrong with it!

    lol at the Micky Mantle comment.

    Hope you are feeling better soon!

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  53. This was hilarious~~thanks for the giggle Gollum I sure needed it! Hugs French;)

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  54. Dear Gollum, I did not realise you were not feeling well, I thought you were being kept busy by the "Rat Race", but now I have just read that you are poorly, so here's wishing you a very speedy recovery my frend, hugs, Kathy.

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  55. Funny, funny post! Gollum, hope you are feeling better!
    Be good,
    Santa

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  56. I am yet another going through Gollum withdrawal. I hope that you are feeling well soon, do take care of yourself and take the time needed to recuperate.
    Christy

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  57. thank you all for the get well wishes. I will post a little something tonight for fun.
    Yes, the mantleisms are Gollum's except for the last two contributions from Carol and Susan--and some other great ones in the comments. I fell sick and wasn't able to add them.

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  58. I too was getting worried when there was no new Gollum. I'm sorry you are not feeling well. Here's to a speedy recovery! Take care.

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  59. gollum I see where you are under the weather. I hope you feel better soon! I have been checking for a new blog I'll bet fifteen times! I've been trying to wish you get well, but it wouldn't let me! Are you sure it isn't an allergy? I am allergic to ragweed, and every Fall it hits me. It hasn't yet, but I'm waiting for it! I loved your mantelisms! Also, I love knowing you use faux flowers and greenery! Get well soon! Connie

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  60. Fragrimantel (that was hard to type) decorating a mantel with stuff like oranges and potpourri.

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  61. Your wit is surpassed only by your decorating style!! Thanks for the giggles today!

    BTW, this is me: MICROMANTLE-ING -- When ADJUSTMANTLING is taken to an extreme.

    Big TX Hugs,
    Stephanie
    Angelic Accents

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  62. Michael,
    Hahaha! I try not to be too 'judge-mantel' when looking at all the creative mantels on the decorating blogs I visit daily. You made me grin!
    Christine

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There you are! I'm so glad you're here. Love, MLee xxoo

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